It's Not Me, It's You

Sometimes, but more often than not, it’s not you, it’s them! I have found this to be true of all relationships; even personal, employers, bad service at a restaurant, or your jeans that suddenly don’t fit anymore. It’s not me, it's you! But in all seriousness, this can be true of your medical provider.

And in my first blog, I refer to being referred to one of the best, if not THE best IVF (in-vitro fertilization) doctor in the DFW (Dallas-Fort Worth) area, who in my eyes is as trusted when it comes to RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) and ART (assisted reproductive technologies) as they come. This doctor happens to be THE doctor I would, to this very day, bet my bottom dollar on to ensure my husband and I to achieve our dream of being first-time parents. The doctor is a world-class authority on RPL and ART. However, it just wasn’t a match for me. And that’s okay.

Often, we fear – dare I say culturally – to be faithful (to people and things and situations that don’t serve US well) for all the wrong reasons – our need to get to the end goal, for ‘convenience’, to avoid conflict/anger in someone or connection, disdain. Yet we aren’t happy in the relationship with that person. While it could be that this doctor could have served us well, they simply weren't the doctor for us. So began the search for a new IVF medical provider.

It didn’t take long, only a couple of months, and an article in my favourite magazine monthly publication geared to African American women. Their issue featured an article on a leading IVF doctor, who just happened to be a black woman here in the DFW area. (Representation in this particular field of medical profession was mind blowing to me. IVF. A black woman in the medical field of cutting edge IVF, an expert of women and couples reproductive health helping all people to realise their dream to have their own child and she looks like me. Now you know I made an appointment).

Needless to say, that initial phone consultation wasn’t as “great” as I’d planned. Between her already well-established patient pool and the reach I was certain that article had, I’m sure it hit more than just the Latonya’s of the world. I’m not going to reveal how long I waited for my consultation. Waiting in this virtual room defeated me, to some extent, in the excitement I felt about talking to her. I hung up. I did get a call back. But I was disappointed. I took a break.  I still was not over losing my ovary, if I am being honest. I want you all to know that you will read about many breaks in this blog as you go through this IVF process with me.

Rest stops are fine! When you’re on a really difficult trek like this, you need to take them in order to rebuild your stamina, spirit and most importantly your sanity. After that rest stop, I picked up the search for another IVF doctor, but every road seemed to lead back to her. I made another appointment, this time I was able to meet with her in person, and the experience was a million times better than the first.

The relationship with your medical provider, it’s priceless. She got me, she really got me. I don’t feel like I have to be anything but me when I’m around her. That shit matters! Find you a medical practitioner who got you – it hits different!!! – who you really are top and bottom and your medical experiences will never be the same. There are some doctors that look nothing like me, who I have had positive experiences with, but this journey was for me to find the person that’s best suited to fulfil our needs. She was and is that for us. Representation really matters!

A plan was created for us after she reviewed my medical records and listened to our concerns. But during another meeting with one of my providers’ financial consultants, the path to IVF came to a screeching halt. Let me tell you all something, IVF is costly! It’s nothing to write home about when those numbers start to climb. Oh, those numbers climb. I encourage anyone reading this blog to do your research to understand the financial implications of pursuing IVF.

I’m so grateful for the experiences I’ve had with employers in my life, and, in particular, having employer medical insurance benefits. IVF isn’t a cost all employers are willing to cover; in fact, only a quarter of US companies with more than 200 employees provide the benefit. A sliver of states require employers to provide coverage for IVF treatments, but, regardless of the coverage, it’s a cost to your employer, and it’s a cost some aren’t willing to pay. Interestingly, infertility was thought of as a female issue. There’s a male factor to infertility that is also part of the reason someone wants to grow their family. I was employed by one such employer who did not offer coverage for IVF. A single round of IVF could well be upwards of $20,000. Where would we come up with $20,000—and even more if the first round isn’t successful? Especially for women at a certain age or with underlying health issues, it often takes more than one attempt.

Meanwhile, while we were clueless as to where this money was coming from, I was buying fertility teas, drinking my water, rubbing castor oil on my belly, walking around with African fertility mini-dolls in my purse, seeing the acupuncture provider once a week, exercising, avoiding foods (no dairy, no sugar, no this, no that – knowing full well I only had one ovary left) and sex a few times a week (husband was not complaining) and having a bank account that was $20,000 short. You couldn’t even write a more complicated beginning for this IVF journey.

In December of 2021, with plans to visit my brother and nieces in Seattle (a side note: the Space Needle and Mount Rainier are musts in the gorgeous state of Washington), I started a new position with a company after a much-needed sabbatical. This role was also a change in my career trajectory, and unknowingly at my time of hire--a company that had decided to extend their employer medical benefits to cover IVF. Just as we're figuring out how to pull together an initial $20,000 for IVF, my new employer rolls out a benefit with a $75,000 lifetime limit. Some employers really get it! Making benefits personal and supportive goes a long way in meeting employees where they are.

We felt like the weight of the world was lifted right off us. Thank you, thank you, thank you. That feeling of joy, happiness, restored faith that we can move forward on this IVF journey without the financial stress, so thankful! To the most high, He is good all the time.

So at the start of 2022 we begin....